I have a 2.5 hour exam in 2.5 hours for which I have done about as close to zero revision as it is mathematically possible to achieve.
It's currently gone 6am and I haven't slept a wink in nearly 24 hours. I elected to pull an all-nighter in order to spend the small hours completing the much-needed revision in question. Ended up just sat in bed naked, torrenting TV shows and spouting baloney all over ONTD for the duration of the night. Yup, I'm as mystified as you are about the fact that I somehow manage to remain unsingle.
My method of choice in artificially keeping my body running was to breakfast on a bowlful of oat bran and two cups of instant coffee, having just puffed my way through half a packet of Marlboros. Which of course was a stroke of unadulterated genius - breakfasted on not one, not two, but THREE substances with laxative properties. I think it's safe to say that the only way to gain a passable grade in an exam one has failed to prepare for even vaguely is to have one's concentration cemented viciously to the task in hand.
Now I'm probably going to have to spend the duration of my exam trying to stifle a bout of explosive diarrhoea. I mean... oat bran, coffee, AND half a dozen cigarettes? I'd have a better chance of gastrointestinal harmony if I'd just chucked a couple of a bananas and some ExLax tablets into the blender with a vindaloo and given myself a fucking enema with it.
There are people my age who have composed symphonies, won Oscars, written elaborate theses and fought for their country. And here I am, trying to dream up ways to prevent my colon from staging a public tribute to the 1669 eruption of Mount Etna.
I wonder if whoever marks my work might show me a little clemency if I included some kind of explanatory footnote. 'Greetings. Sorry if this paper was a trifle on the mediocre side, did try my best but I've just spent the last 3 hours trying not to crap lava all over the exam hall floor. Please ignore the mark scheme and be as generous as possible. Have a great day, God bless.'
I've so got this on lock.
UPDATE: Positives - 1) I managed not to shit myself. 2) The adjudicator for this exam was the same one that took a 'shine' to me in an exam a few weeks ago (he groped me, but on the flipside was willing to break the law and let me have an extra 15 minutes of the exam for no apparent reason). So when I made an attempt to suavely ask to go to the toilet, the dumb-arsed old goat not only let me go without a chaperone (against the law, I could SO easily have just whipped out my mobile in the cubicle and quickly Googled half the answers to the paper) but also gave me extra time to to compensate at the end (also against the law - technically if you relinquish time to go for a piss, you can't get it back).
Negatives - 1) I'm somewhere in the region of 90% certain that I won't have got above a D in that exam. I'm a rubbish enough multi-tasker at the best of times, but I have yet to be convinced that ANYONE could produce a satisfactory analytical essay under heavy time constraint whilst simultaneously panicking that their ass might re-enact Chernobyl at any given moment. I suppose I'll just have to retake. Again.